How To Cope With Death
To live, you need to be willing to die first. But what does it mean to die? Do you cease to be? We'd have to define what it means to live. Do we continue to float through the eternal universe as some sort of spirit energy? — You thought I knew?! Who does. Just to point out: these are the questions you'll need to answer. Best of luck to you — see you in the afterlife.
To cope:
- Deal effectively with something difficult
- It used to mean: to meet in battle, from the Greek kolaphos, ‘blow with the fist’.
(according to the Oxford Dictionary)
Still here, are you? Good for you.
To cope with death, you'll have to face life. Facing life means you look it in the eye, put on your war face, and you stare it down. You do the exact opposite of what you might think — which is, to ask yourself those dreadful existential-crisis-inducing questions; you have to at least entertain them every so often. In turn, they will induce a shitload of anxiety, making it seem like you're panicking, absolutely not coping with life after all, but it's quite the opposite. So once you get over that, meet me back here.
Doesn't it seem like you have no idea what you're doing? Well, that makes perfect sense. Here's a study that proves it:
... or absolutely nothing, because these researchers have the same exact problem. Realizing nobody knows what they're doing is the first step in dealing with death. Congratulations, you'll now be the worst person to talk to at parties — That's the price for wisdom and it's alright.
Don't Act Like a Wiseguy
If you look like you know what you're doing, you probably don't, since the Earth is a tiny crusty ball of spinning molten metals and floats through infinite space, setting sail to who-the-fuck-knows-where, ending as who knows what, ending all life, and with it all jobs, art, coffee breath and pet kittens. It doesn't look too good, and you've known that since that time you tried to imagine what death will feel like as a small child, getting the giggles and butterflies and the bonus punch in the gut at the same time. For me, it felt like I just fell through a chair, while shitting myself mid-air, resulting in a particularly soft landing and making an accordingly disgusted face. Man, that sucks, doesn't it, realizing it's all a hoax, but it proves worthwhile to really internalize the repercussions of that statement, as, while it seems scary at first, it ultimately means you're free to do as you please, and don't have to bother with keeping in line or doing as you're expected.
So pretending you don't know might work for you with your friends, but it doesn't with me, because I'm a dick, and this video will show you why everybody would be better of if you were one too.
Why You Should Be a Dick — and Stay Alive
Though most people seemingly go through life without paying too much attention to it, this feeling you've had as a child leads to all kind of places.
Hmm, yes, all problems in life result out of a fear of death - if we manage to cope with our fears, we would ultimately needn't bother each other with all these unfortunate interactions.
So, let's look closer at that feeling. You've had it, like losing your virginity, and you've put it away, and don't want to make a big deal out of it. However, unlike losing your virginity, this feeling won't keep returning to you — as a child, you've willfully invited it. It isn't casual and you should make a big deal out of it. It seems that feeling is what drew you to this article in the first place, so we're going to make a big deal out of it here.
Why should you be a dick? Well, you are one already, occupying all this space, contributing to climate change by farting, and I've seen you feeding pigeons in order to kick them, admit it, you're a dick and we should be honest so you should probably be a dick overtly, if you're up for it.
We think being a dick is a bad thing. We think we are bad. In contrast, being a dick overtly means you'll never snap at anyone, won't beat your wife, and will be able to face death. Becoming an overt dick is the rite of passage, it's necessary to become an adult.
Integrating that feeling, reminding yourself about it, will inadvertently increase your perceived value of the present moment. You see, now you understand it is all we have. But some people are willing to sacrifice the present for the past. We must destroy these people, for they will continue to desecrate the Holy Now, Earth, Life itself, in the name of the Never-Coming Future.
"Tomorrow never comes"
- Ronan Keating, book of books II
So you're no longer a baby - you've stopped pretending to be nice. Good for you. You're not nice — you're capable of killing and murdering and creating life.
"Calling someone nice might be the biggest insult to human beings possible"
- Some alien
People will hate you. Less people will hate you if you're okay with that fact, since you will be more truthful about you're intentions and shortcomings, and nothing infuses hatred more than dishonesty.
Daring to be a dick requires you to adhere to our Dickish principles:
- Say no to unreasonable people
- Tell the truth when it matters, especially when you feel you shouldn't, which is an explicit sign of the need for truth.
Among your fellow dicks, we distinct between first and second-grade Dickism, which you should probably do too, to prevent sliding into slippery territory.
Second-Class Dickism is the ability to be unlikeable by unlikeable people. Mostly, those people will be First-Class Dicks. Dicks First-Class are people who disregard the truth completely, while simultaneously pretending they are right. Those are gaslighting sons of bitches and should be dicked around a bit.
We need Second-Class Dicks that will confront First-Class Dicks with their shortcomings, in order to keep them in place.
[INITIATION COMPLETED]
You are now one of us. Welcome private Second-Class Dick. You have become part of an elite order of human dicks that have sworn to face dishonesty and unreasonableness.
The world desperately needs you and will call on you by means of silence. Whenever you only hear First-Class Dicks speaking their minds, and no one crossing swords with them, that's your queue. Hold the line. Deliver us from evil